Wednesday, April 3, 2013

The Legend Of B.T. Easterpants, Or I Was A Teenage Easter Jackalope

The Ugly Truth Finally Comes Out

It was bound to come out sooner or later, so I may as well come clean right here and now. I wasn't always the evil genius that you see before you. Well, maybe I was, but there was a time when evildoing was just not profitable. Nobody was hiring villains. You couldn't find an evil sidekick gig, or even a position as a lowly minion. It just wasn't a good time to be openly evil, and a guy had to do what a guy had to do; you know?

If it sounds like I'm making excuses, I probably am. No self respecting diabolical genius would be caught
dead parading around with baskets of colored eggs and candy. But that's exactly what I was reduced to during the Reagan years. I was a teenage Easter jackalope.

While it may be true that B.T. Easterpants was a living legend, it's a time in my life that is difficult to talk about. You can't even believe the ribbing I took from my so-called friends. Oh sure, they're there for you when the evil business is going great guns. But you take one Easter Bunny gig, and all bets are off. Honor among thieves my furry butt!

The Boogey Man, for instance, had taken to hiding under my bed and singing "In your Easter Bonnet", in very disturbing muted tones. For variety, he would sometimes sing that damned Peter Cottontail song, but he only knew the first two lines, which made it all the more disturbing.

The Grim Reaper was leaving messages on my answering machine. Things like "This message is for B.T. Evilpants's self respect. I'll be along to pick you up next week." One day, I came home to find 147 messages, and they were all from him! That guy always had a way of taking a joke too far.

The only evil friend that I still had, was the Tooth Fairy. What? You didn't think she was evil? If I told you what she does with all of those teeth, you wouldn't be able to sleep for weeks! Given her line of work, she was absolutely thrilled that I was handing out candy to millions of children. In fact, she had started stalking me, and sending me little gifts. Creepy gifts, like bouquets of discolored molars, rusty dental drills, you get the picture.

Under Pressure

Ok, so even an evil jackalope is subject to peer pressure. I had my reputation to think about. I am, afterall, an Evilpants. In short, I caved. Do you have any idea how humiliating it is for an highly respected mythical beast to be hopping around on the Bunny Trail with colorful eggs, and cavorting with giggling children?

 I had to do something to redeem myself in the eyes of my former associates. Something Evilpants! I thought about delivering Easter baskets filled with brussels sprouts and asparagus. That would be pretty evil, alright, but it just didn't have that special Evilpants touch. No, I needed something with a little more style.

As I was thinking, there came a knock at my door. A delivery. Oh goody. Another gag gift from one of my "friends". The card simply read: "Enjoy!", and was signed Anonymous.

I carefully inspected the box, turning it over in my paws a few times. I gently shook it. I held it to my ear to see if it was ticking. Then, with some trepidation, I opened the mystery package. The object inside was bulky, and wrapped in tissue. Exercising great caution, I used the tip of a fountain pen to pull aside the wrapping. Little by little, it began to come into view.

I took it out of the box, to get a look at the whole thing, and I was appalled. I had in my paw, leering at me, mocking me, really; a perfect reproduction of myself. Rendered entirely in chocolate and in amazing detail. A chocolate Easter Jackalope! Ha-ha! That's just too funn...
The idea came in a flash. I threw the chocolate to the floor, and sprinted to the kitchen. I had a lot to do, and not much time to get it all done.


Racing the clock, I concocted my own line of Easter confections. Chocolate Jackalopes, chocolate Jackalope eggs, Jackalope peeps, the whole shebang. But I put my own twist on each and every one of them. I felt like a regular B.T. Wonkapants. I was now ready for my Easter journey. Truth be told, I was even a little bit excited!
I hopped from one house to the next, leaving my devilish goodies as I went. I made the whole trip in record time. All that remained, was to sit back and watch the events unfold.


It did not take long for my efforts to bear fruit. The first cry came just after 6:30 AM. "ALLLG!!" The 4 year old's mom and dad came running to see what was wrong.
"Dis chockit bunny tastes wike onions!"
The same thing was happening all over town. Broccoli flavored peeps, okra jelly beans, and lima bean filled peanut butter cups were being discovered in baskets everywhere. Needless to say, my job was history, but I wasn't done yet. There was still the matter of my so called friends.
In a casual conversation with madame Tooth Fairy, I may have mentioned that I was behind the whole flouride in the drinking water controversy. She ran away screaming, and I haven't seen her since.
As for the Boogey Man, all I had to do was post his picture on the internet. Oh sure, he's plenty scary when he's hiding under your bed, or in a dark closet; but in the light of day, he's a middle-aged bald guy named Melvin, who has a fondness for bowling shirts, and wears black socks with sandals. Few children have feared him since that day.
And the Grim Reaper? Well, you can't cheat death for very long. But I did seem to regain his respect, as he has more or less left me to my own devices. But when he does finally come to call, I have a very lifelike chocolate jackalope set aside. He's not very bright, you know.

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