Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Twas The Night Before Christmas (In Hell)

T'was the night before Christmas
and I was in Hell (Michigan).
The family had gathered
that never goes well.
The kids were complaining
and dinner was late.
The guests all were snockered
on rum soaked fruit cake.

Then the fighting began
and I needed a break.
I hopped off to my bunker
and made good my escape.
I was plotting revenge
on those people upstairs
when I realized I wasn't
alone in my lair.

A sneeze I did hear
from the closet it came.
It scared me to death
but I went, just the same.
I crept to the door
from which the sneeze had issued.
But I had no intention
of offering a tissue.

 I yanked open the door
and flicked on the light.
What stood there before me
Merry Christmas!
was a fearsome sight.
T'was a very fat man
all dressed up in red.
With his sack in his hand
and a hat on his head.

I asked "Who are you?"
"And why are you here?"
His eyes flashed in anger.
I stepped back in fear.
He said "Hello B.T."
"It's been a long time"
"I haven't seen you
since before you were nine."

"You've been on my naughty list
all of these years."
"But you still can repent
and spread Christmas cheer."

"B-b-but you can't be real"
I nervously said.
"This must be a dream,
I'm asleep in my bed."
He said "I'm no dream

and you would do well
to remember these words
lest you end up in Hell." (no, the other Hell)

"I've sent my best elf
Santa's Meanest Elf Guards The Gates Of Hell
to stand guard at the gate.
He's a mean one, you know
in his hands, lies your fate."
"You must change your ways,
make amends for your past.
It's a cold day, in Hell
and it might be your last."

The hair on my neck
stood on end, and I felt
a chill work its way through my jackalope pelt.
"It's too late for me!"
I cried out in fear.
"I haven't bought gifts!"
"I've been evil all year!"

"I've played too many pranks
and I showed no real class."
" And I wrote a blog post
about my wife's hairy ass."

"It's never too late"
said the jolly old elf.
"The most valuable gift
can't be bought off the shelf."
"I'll give you a hint
as to where you should start.
The best gift of all
you've kept locked in your heart."

My eyes welled with tears.
His words struck a nerve.
"I must give of myself,
like these good folks deserve."
I ran for the stairs
leaping two at a time.
Then I burst through the door
and I broke out in rhyme.

"To my loved ones and friends
gathered here in my home,
I give you my thanks
for the love that you've shown."
"I offer my heart
and I hope to repay
 all the goodwill and memories
I've taken away."

My guests stood there speechless,
their jaws all agape,
wondering just how much
of that rum cake I ate.
Then uncle Mort spoke up,
he'd just flown in from Dover.
"Grab your wishlist, everyone
'cause Hell just froze over!"

 So I circled the room
giving big hugs to all.
My wife was so shocked
she had to lean on the wall.
But sleight of hand
has long been my knack.
Nobody noticed my fingers...
crossed, behind my back.

Monday, September 9, 2013

Sports That Should Be Olympic Events

I used be a big sports fan, but with rule changes, drug and steroid use, strikes, and lockouts, I've lost interest in most sports. I can't even watch a baseball game from start to finish anymore. Unless there's some big drama, I'm good for about three innings, then it's nap time.

Being an evil jackalope, I'm usually pretty good at amusing myself, so I decided to invent a few sports that I would watch without fail. I think these would make exciting Olympic events, and could even become professional sports one day.

Monday, April 15, 2013

The New Law of Attraction

While it's not technically a religion, the Law Of Attraction is based on the idea that there's a greater force at work in the world. A force that guides our thoughts and actions and drives our successes and failures throughout our lives. What is that force? Why, it's the universe, itself!

I know what you're thinking. "What a load of bull!" But it's true! It's a scientific fact that the thoughts and energy you send out into the universe dictate your destiny. Law Of Attraction is based on decades of scientific research, but I won't bore you with all that science here. I've seen it in action, so you can just take my word for it!

Saturday, April 13, 2013

Killer Hunter Sausage Recipe

Everybody loves hunter sausage. For some of us it's a year-round treat; and what could be better than hunter sausage made with real hunter?

You may be skeptical about using a real hunter for your hunter sausage, and I can't really blame you. Most of us consider them a nuisance species,stomping through the woods with rifles, looking to kill us poor, defenseless animals. But they do have their uses. Much like the pesky Nutra Rat, hunters are ugly, bothersome, ill-tempered creatures.

But when prepared correctly, they can be absolutely delicious! Enjoy this hunter sausage recipe and don't forget to share it with your friends!

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Have You Seen My Wife's Ass?

I was watching my wife's ass one day, not too long ago. It was big and beautiful, swaying majestically before
me. It was that time of day, just before the sun goes down, when the light pools on the ground like a golden elixir of the gods. In that beautiful twilight hour my wife's ass was absolutely breathtaking. It was then and there that I decided it was high time that ass got the attention that it so richly deserved. So, off I went to get my camera. It was all downhill from there, I'm afraid.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

B.T. Evilpants For Prez

My fellow Americans; after watching the spectacle that is the American electoral process, I have decidedhe interest of patriotism, altruism, and several other isms that escape me at the moment, I am willing to subject myself to the rather distasteful task of serving as your president.
that it is time for this Jackalope to take action. I will consent to the many requests I have received, and hereby announce my candidacy for the highest office in the land. In t

Until now, I have heard many people refer to this election as a choice between the lesser of two evils. With me in the race, it becomes a simple choice between the evil you know, and the evil you don't know.

Sunday, April 7, 2013

Joseph Ducreux Meme - Archaic Rap Goes Classic Rock

Like hilarious memes? So do I! I happened to stumble across a site where you can create your own, and on a day that I had loads of time to kill. That's a dangerous combo!

So who is Joseph Ducreux? He was a French artist, born in 1735.  Ducreux was proficient in several disciplines, but is probably best known for his portraiture. In fact, he was the portrait artist in the court of Louis XVI. Nowadays his most famous portrait is probably his self portrait ca. 1793. What makes it famous? It's the basis of hundreds of internet memes that have been circulating, especially on sites like Pinterest.

If Ducreux were around today to see the grammatical horrors perpetrated in his name, and alongside his own face, he would probably die of embarrassment or suffer a psychotic break. What am I talking about? Just click "Read More" to see them in all their glory. Since the Joseph Ducreux archaic rap memes never fail to entertain me, I decided to try my hand at few of them. I'm no fan of rap, however, so I took them in my own direction. I'm sure poor Joe is rolling in his grave!

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

The Legend Of B.T. Easterpants, Or I Was A Teenage Easter Jackalope

The Ugly Truth Finally Comes Out

It was bound to come out sooner or later, so I may as well come clean right here and now. I wasn't always the evil genius that you see before you. Well, maybe I was, but there was a time when evildoing was just not profitable. Nobody was hiring villains. You couldn't find an evil sidekick gig, or even a position as a lowly minion. It just wasn't a good time to be openly evil, and a guy had to do what a guy had to do; you know?