Tuesday, April 9, 2013

B.T. Evilpants For Prez

My fellow Americans; after watching the spectacle that is the American electoral process, I have decidedhe interest of patriotism, altruism, and several other isms that escape me at the moment, I am willing to subject myself to the rather distasteful task of serving as your president.
that it is time for this Jackalope to take action. I will consent to the many requests I have received, and hereby announce my candidacy for the highest office in the land. In t

Until now, I have heard many people refer to this election as a choice between the lesser of two evils. With me in the race, it becomes a simple choice between the evil you know, and the evil you don't know.

Jackalope Showing Peace SignYou may think you know the two guys who are currently in the running. In fact, all you really know is what they let you see. What my opponents actually amount to is a collection of fancy speeches, sound bites, and photo ops. The sad fact is that they may, and probably do, each have an evil streak that runs deeper than you could possibly imagine.

With me on the other hand, you know in advance what my personal brand of evil is. As a smart voter, surely you realize that you would be far better off with me working for you than against you. I am a no nonsense kind of guy. I'm sure you already know that I'm a peace loving creature. I'm not one to start a fight. But make no mistake about it, I have never run from one, either. Being a Jackalope, I am also tenacious by my very nature. Once I sink my antlers into a problem, I do not relent until it is solved.

What Sets Me Apart From the Herd

Let me address a few issues that I have yet to hear those other guys talking about. First and foremost, I am not a crook! I know you've heard that one before, but in my case, it's true. I give you my word that everything I have, I have earned (or won in various poker games and such). I have never stolen anything from anyone; unless, of course, it was something very shiny. But then, that's not really stealing, is it? I mean, when you see something shiny, you have to take it, right? It's like a law or instinct, or something.

Secondly, I do not accept money from lobbyists, as far as you know. I can also hold my head high, in the knowledge that I am not inclined to accept most forms of bribes.

Point number three: And this one is kind of important. I have never eaten a human child. My opponents have remained eerily silent, on this issue. I just thought that needed to be pointed out. I mean, maybe they eat kids, and maybe they don't. I'm just saying that I'm the only one denying it here.

Fourth, I am not El Chupacabra. I have never knowingly sucked the blood from a goat, and left him to die in some farmer's field. Have my esteemed colleagues made this claim? Not to my knowledge. Now I know this will come out in the media at some point, so I will address it here. While I am not El Chupacabra, he was my roommate in college. And I will state publicly that, despite the implications in his name, I never actually saw him sucking any blood. He was a pretty nice guy, actually. He was just misunderstood.

Lastly, I am in no way responsible for the ongoing epidemic of cattle mutilations throughout North America. This is yet another issue that my opponents have chosen not to address. But I will say right up front, that neither I, my family, nor any Jackalope is running around doing these things to your cows, and bulls and whatnot. There are those who have blamed aliens, but this is all blue smoke and mirrors. Personally, I find the utter silence from both camps, to be particularly ominous.

What Will I do For You?

I make no promises. As voters, I'm sure that you are tired of hearing them anyway. The sad fact is that politicians lie. The good news is that I'm not a politician. You can trust and believe every word that I say.
I will only serve one term. I believe I can accomplish all of my objectives in four years or less. At the end of my term, I will step down. I will then occupy the even less desirable position of "Benevolent Dictator." I know this sounds bad, but again, I'm a really nice guy, and you can trust me. Honest.

Weathering the Storm

I believe that my constituents should have access to all of the tools they need to weather the difficult financial times that have been brought about by the current and previous administrations. That's why, as my first official act, I plan to annex Canada and Mexico. With unfettered access to strong Canadian beer and Mexican tequila, Americans will forget about their problems and feel much better about the current situation.
If you wish to contribute to this grassroots effort to change the country for the better, we will be conducting fundraising events in your area soon. If you can't attend a local event, just send along your bank account numbers and routing number. I'll take care of everything for you!

Since we are entering the fray at a late hour, the fundraiser dinners will require a donation of $10,000 per plate. Money well spent, when you consider what I'll do for you once I seize contro…I mean…once I'm elected. We put out a good spread, too. Exotic sausages, gravies from around the world, and of course, plenty of liquor. How could you possibly resist?

In the interest of dispelling any myths that may be going around, we do not put any form of mind control drugs into the food at our events. Nor do we conceal subliminal messages in the fine selection of patriotic music that is played!

After sampling our food and listening to what we have to say, I'm confident you will choose to forego the election and put me straight into office. But, if the election must go forth, all you need to remember is to vote a straight Republicrat ticket (trust me, you will remember that). Just leave the country in our evil... I mean, capable hands, and we'll take care of everything!
Just to recap, here are some important points to consider when selecting your next leader:
  • I will almost never steal from you
  • I will not usually accept bribes or payoffs
  • I will not eat your children
  • I do not kill, suck blood from, or otherwise harm cattle, goats, or small woodland creatures
What more could you possibly ask of a president?
I am B.T. Evilpants, and I approve this message.

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