Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Twas The Night Before Christmas (In Hell)

T'was the night before Christmas
and I was in Hell (Michigan).
The family had gathered
that never goes well.
The kids were complaining
and dinner was late.
The guests all were snockered
on rum soaked fruit cake.

Then the fighting began
and I needed a break.
I hopped off to my bunker
and made good my escape.
I was plotting revenge
on those people upstairs
when I realized I wasn't
alone in my lair.

A sneeze I did hear
from the closet it came.
It scared me to death
but I went, just the same.
I crept to the door
from which the sneeze had issued.
But I had no intention
of offering a tissue.

 I yanked open the door
and flicked on the light.
What stood there before me
Merry Christmas!
was a fearsome sight.
T'was a very fat man
all dressed up in red.
With his sack in his hand
and a hat on his head.

I asked "Who are you?"
"And why are you here?"
His eyes flashed in anger.
I stepped back in fear.
He said "Hello B.T."
"It's been a long time"
"I haven't seen you
since before you were nine."

"You've been on my naughty list
all of these years."
"But you still can repent
and spread Christmas cheer."

"B-b-but you can't be real"
I nervously said.
"This must be a dream,
I'm asleep in my bed."
He said "I'm no dream

and you would do well
to remember these words
lest you end up in Hell." (no, the other Hell)

"I've sent my best elf
Santa's Meanest Elf Guards The Gates Of Hell
to stand guard at the gate.
He's a mean one, you know
in his hands, lies your fate."
"You must change your ways,
make amends for your past.
It's a cold day, in Hell
and it might be your last."

The hair on my neck
stood on end, and I felt
a chill work its way through my jackalope pelt.
"It's too late for me!"
I cried out in fear.
"I haven't bought gifts!"
"I've been evil all year!"

"I've played too many pranks
and I showed no real class."
" And I wrote a blog post
about my wife's hairy ass."

"It's never too late"
said the jolly old elf.
"The most valuable gift
can't be bought off the shelf."
"I'll give you a hint
as to where you should start.
The best gift of all
you've kept locked in your heart."

My eyes welled with tears.
His words struck a nerve.
"I must give of myself,
like these good folks deserve."
I ran for the stairs
leaping two at a time.
Then I burst through the door
and I broke out in rhyme.

"To my loved ones and friends
gathered here in my home,
I give you my thanks
for the love that you've shown."
"I offer my heart
and I hope to repay
 all the goodwill and memories
I've taken away."

My guests stood there speechless,
their jaws all agape,
wondering just how much
of that rum cake I ate.
Then uncle Mort spoke up,
he'd just flown in from Dover.
"Grab your wishlist, everyone
'cause Hell just froze over!"

 So I circled the room
giving big hugs to all.
My wife was so shocked
she had to lean on the wall.
But sleight of hand
has long been my knack.
Nobody noticed my fingers...
crossed, behind my back.