Sports That Should Be Olympic Events

I used be a big sports fan, but with rule changes, drug and steroid use, strikes, and lockouts, I've lost interest in most sports. I can't even watch a baseball game from start to finish anymore. Unless there's some big drama, I'm good for about three innings, then it's nap time.

Being an evil jackalope, I'm usually pretty good at amusing myself, so I decided to invent a few sports that I would watch without fail. I think these would make exciting Olympic events, and could even become professional sports one day.

Dodge Darts

Nope, not the popular MOPAR product. Dodge Darts is like dodge ball, but with an added element of risk. Like other sports, teams alternate between playing offense and defense. Masks are obviously mandatory; otherwise there would be a very high attrition rate.

The rules are similar a standard game of 501, but instead of a stationary dartboard, the board is painted (or tattooed) on the defensive players' chests.

When on offense, your goal is to score exactly 501 points, and you must end on a double or triple score or a bullseye. As the name of the sport would suggest, the defense is free to duck, dodge, or otherwise prevent you from scoring. Future rule changes may involve defensive players being allowed to pluck doubles and triples from the board and whip them back at the offense.

Uphill Ski Slalom

Self explanatory, right? Just like downhill, but with much heavier breathing. Rules may allow for a handicapping system which includes adding iron weights to stronger skiers' helmets. The commissioner of this sport is also considering the addition of hungry badgers to the field.

Iron Stomach Triathlon

Athletes begin the triathlon with a chili dog eating contest. It takes 10 chili dogs to qualify, but starting positions for the second event are assigned based on total number of chili dogs consumed, so contestants are encouraged to eat as much as possible. You really want to be at the front of the field for the second event.

The second event is a marathon. Those chili dogs the competitors just ate may make this a touch more challenging than a traditional marathon, though. If they didn't qualify near the front of the field, then the chili dogs that everyone else ate could make it even more difficult!

The third leg is a bicycle race, or, more accurately, a tricycle race. Competitors must race their tricycles back over the same 26.2 mile course they just ran with a belly full of chili dogs. Chances are they no longer have full bellies, though, which is what makes this leg sort of a slippery slope. First three to the finish line get the medals!

I've already begun the campaign to add these sports to the Olympics and I have investors. Look for these challenging events to make headlines soon!